Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
