oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
