May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
