Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Randomize
