We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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