If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
