And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
