Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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