I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
