I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
