dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
