Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
