I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
