I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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