Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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