When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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