if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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