and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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