Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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