my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
