as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
