He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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