I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
