my mouth tastes like poor choices
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
