If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
