The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
