so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
