first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
