one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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