Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
