I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
