Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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