i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
