someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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