im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
