Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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