Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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