Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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