after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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