Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
