Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
