Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
