Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
