If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I touched a dick in church today
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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