It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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