I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
