I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
