It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
