On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
