im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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