i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
